Coping With Multiple Miscarriages: What Happened To Me, Part 1/3

After coping with multiple miscarriages, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. This is a tender reflection on my third miscarriage, what I’ve learned through repeated loss, and how others can find support along the way.

a woman placing her hands together in front of her as if she is holding something, but they are empty. This represent a baby she longed for but she will never hold because of pregnancy loss.

Trigger / Content note: This post contains an open description of miscarriage and loss that some readers may find triggering.

TABLE OF CONTENTS HIDE

1 In The Quiet Company Of Those Who Understand

2 Conceiving Again After Loss

3 Pregnancy After Miscarriage Is Different

4 The Ultrasound That Confirmed My Fears

5 Coping With Multiple Miscarriages: The Waiting Game

6 Coping With Multiple Miscarriages: Closing Reflection Of Part 1

In The Quiet Company Of Those Who Understand

Having a miscarriage is like joining a club no one wants to be in. From my first to my third, every experience was very different – and every one was hard in its own way.

My only hope is that something good might come from my grief, so here I offer my third miscarriage story and reflection to you, dear reader, who may also be coping with repeated loss.

Please forgive me for the dark moments in this story that may be triggering. This is very real and very raw. My hope is that you can feel a little camaraderie in what you’re going through and know you are not alone.

A beautiful sage green water color background with the quote: Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans, by John Lennon

Conceiving Again After Loss

After my second loss earlier this year, I felt ready to try again right away and conceived quickly. I was already coping with multiple miscarriages, and even thinking about pregnancy after loss can make you feel crazy. I remember feeling like I was responsible for the terrible thing that just happened to me. Why would I put myself through that again?

But it had been early (about 6 weeks), my body felt like it had fully recovered, and I didn’t want to miss the chance to try again for a winter baby, like we had planned.

Yet, as John Lennon so wisely said: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

A candle burning on a window will, surrounded by other trinkets and clothes in a dark room.

Pregnancy After Miscarriage Is Different

As the weeks passed, I carried the heaviness of recent loss, and wondered every day if my baby was alive. It was hard to be present with my two daughters. I dropped extra things and lived in survival mode all summer—trying twice to grow a baby and bracing for what might come.

I scheduled an appointment with the local hospital midwife to tour the labor and delivery unit they had just renovated. At 8 weeks, they were gung-ho about blood tests and ultrasounds, and at that point, in my 5th pregnancy, just after my second loss, I went with it. I had never done any of that before with my home birth midwife and rebel doctor! This time, I was hoping for some reassurance.

The Doppler didn’t find a heartbeat, but it was still early, and she told me not to worry. Little did I know, the baby was probably already gone.

A woman wearing a large black coat, standing on a stone foundation looking out over a town covered in fog. She is feeling very sad after coping with multiple miscarriages. The recurrent pregnancy losses make her feel very lonely. Waiting and wading through the unknown is heartbreaking.

The Ultrasound That Confirmed My Fears

A week later I had an ultrasound, and I learned that the ultrasound technician cannot tell you anything while she’s looking inside of you! But I had a sense that I would not be getting positive news that day. For about a week already, my queasiness had eased and a quiet fear sat in my gut.

What’s so hard about coping with multiple miscarriages, is that you are always expecting the worst – hoping for the best, expecting the worst. Because it’s happened before. Unfortunately, even pregnancies that do result in a full-term living healthy baby, are not exempt from the fear that your baby is dead.

So, although I was looking for reassurance through that experience, I only gained knowledge that made the next few weeks of my life much harder.

To tell the truth, the ultrasound felt invasive, because I received negative news from it. Had it been positive, I probably would have reveled in the reassurance.

After it was over, the technician left the room saying she would come back to get me. I waited longer alone in that room than the time it took for the scan. Overcome with pregnancy hunger, I snacked on a meat stick to keep nausea at bay. Checking the time on my phone, I saw that a result came through on MyChart. Without thinking, I saw the result. “…no evidence for fetal cardiac activity…fetal demise…gestational age of 8 weeks 1 day.”

My heart dropped. My whole spirit shrank with this news. I waited, alone, for the ultrasound tech to come back, holding the knowledge with so much heaviness. A nurse came in with her to walk me across the hospital to a spontaneous appointment with the midwife. I wept the whole way.

An ocean tide bird's eye view with the words, Miscarriage strips away the innocence of pregnancy.

Coping With Multiple Miscarriages: The Waiting Game

Of course, it was expected. I no longer held the gift of innocence in pregnancy. I had just hoped, as always, that this time, the baby would live and my hope for a winter baby would live too.

The result of this “missed miscarriage” was weeks of misery. The midwife recommended that I try to pass the baby naturally.

At that point the baby had already been dead for a week. I waited two more miserable weeks in limbo.

I knew my body could release it naturally. I had done this before. But knowing too much made it worse this time.

I knew what was coming, and I didn’t know how to get through this waiting time.

A light dusty aqua background with a wooden woman standing up. The woman has a hole in her. There is a cutout child laying on the ground that has been cut out of her. This represents how empty a woman can feel after losing a baby.

Coping With Multiple Miscarriages: Closing Reflection Of Part 1

I tried to appreciate the time I had to hold my precious baby inside of me before I had to say goodbye. I tried to revel in the knowledge that I could begin my grief and prepare for the release. But, it was also torture.

Miscarriage strips away the innocence of pregnancy. You no longer assume a positive test means a baby in your arms. You carry both love and loss at once.

If you are reading this because you too have experienced multiple miscarriages, please know you are not alone. Your grief is valid, your hope is courageous, and your story matters too.

Part two of this story continues with the day I released my baby—and the moment I saw the tiny body I had carried with so much love. Click here to continue reading.