How To Support Someone After A Miscarriage
Have you ever wondered how to understand and support someone after a miscarriage? Miscarriage is something many people experience, but few talk about openly. What I’ve learned from my experiences is that it isn’t just a physical event—it’s an emotional and hormonal earthquake.
What the Body Remembers After Pregnancy Loss
Last month, I had my second miscarriage. It brought back all those emotions from my first loss—the whole gamut of grief that comes with pregnancy loss.
My first known pregnancy loss was at about 10 weeks along. Our first child was about three and a quarter, and though we’d thought about delaying a second pregnancy because of renovations to our home, everything fell into place. We conceived quickly.
Needless to say, I was devastated when I started to cramp and bleed.
The loss hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not prepared for how the drop in pregnancy hormones would affect me so greatly.
It took a couple months before I even felt like trying again. Then amazingly, I became pregnant with our second child.
That put our first and second 4 ¼ years apart, and I didn’t have a newborn during a kitchen remodel, for which I was thankful. All is well that ends well, right?
But then, 2 1/2 years later, we felt ready to try once more. I conceived easily – only to lose the pregnancy at six weeks.
All of those feelings of despair and hopelessness come rushing back.
You don’t realize how miscarriage grief is not a mind over matter sort of situation. Your body takes over. You might feel like you’re going crazy.
“Grief, in other experiences, is often about grieving the past. Miscarriage is about grieving the future.”
— Dvora Entin in “How To Grieve a Miscarriage”
What Happens To Your Body During And After A Miscarriage
Whenever you are pregnant, your body flushes with the pregnancy hormones, like estrogen, progesterone, HCG.
The placenta starts growing.
And your dreams of a future baby grow with it.
The sudden drop of those hormones can cause extreme fatigue, mood swings, depression, anxiety, breast tenderness, among other things.
If you haven’t experienced it, it’s really hard to understand what someone is going through.
Why Miscarriage Is Not The Same As A Period
You’re not the same after a miscarriage.
A miscarriage is the loss of a future you were already beginning to love.
The hormonal crash alone can be similar to postpartum—but unlike birth, it comes with grief, not a baby.
It’s a hormonal, physical, and emotional earthquake—not just a heavy period.
A period is your body resetting. No embryo. No pregnancy hormones.
A miscarriage is your body unraveling something it worked hard to create.
Why Miscarriage Is So Hard To Talk About
Miscarriage is incredibly common, but we don’t always know how to talk about it. Many women never tell anyone outside of their closest circle. And when someone does share, the responses can feel clumsy or even hurtful, even if they’re well-meant.
That silence and awkwardness can make the grief feel even lonelier.
But here’s the truth: support makes a difference. A simple acknowledgment, a quiet presence, or an everyday act of kindness can help carry someone through.
How To Support Someone Who’s Had A Miscarriage
If you know someone who has gone through a miscarriage, here are some ways to support them:
- Send a note.
- Ask them how they’re doing. (They’re postpartum, and there’s no baby in their arms.)
- Ask them if they’d like to talk about it.
- Ask them if they would like to talk about what their dreams and plans were.
- Take their other kids out of the house for a while, on an adventure or have them over for a playdate.
- Bring them a care package of self-care items like: bath salts, hydration packets, tea, snacks, a token of remembrance or support.
- Offer to watch the kids while they take a walk or a bath.
- Bring a meal.
- Give them a book on miscarriage or grief (like I Had A Miscarriage by Jessica Zucker).
- Offer to run some errands for them. (They will probably feel very weepy, and don’t want to run into anybody out and about.)
- Ask them what sorts of things help them reset when they’re feeling down (walks, singing or making music, writing,) and give them time to do that.
- Do their dishes. Do their laundry. Tidy their house. (Their energy and motivation is probably very low at this point.)
- Ask them what chores are usually their responsibilities, and do them.
- Treat them as if they have just lost the most important person in their life, because they have.
- Let them cry.
- Hold space for whatever they need.
- Tell them that they are not alone.
- Check back in a month or two or six, and ask how they’re feeling about it now.
What Not To Say Or Do
- Do not try to justify why it happened
- Do not tell them, “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
- Do not say, “Everything happens for a reason.”
- Do not tell them that they can try again or that they will have a healthy baby in the future.
- Do not try to make them feel better, unless they ask for it.
- Do not tell them what they can do to prevent it next time.
- Do not tell them that you know how hard it is or how they’re feeling if you have never had a miscarriage.
- Do not liken it to a regular period.
“Swim in it. We fear we might drown if we lean into grief. But you won’t. You might feel like you are, but we won’t let you.”
– Jessica Zucker, I Had A Miscarriage
What Might Happen In Your Body When You Are Having A Miscarriage
- Spotting
- Cramping
- Huge release of blood and tissues
- Big clots days later
- Bleeding for weeks (especially if there is any unreleased pieces after a natural miscarriage at home)
- Breast tenderness
- Bloating
- Fatigue
- Weepiness
When Do I Have To Go To A Doctor After Having A Miscarriage?
A miscarriage is a normal and natural way of your body taking care of you. The baby was most likely not viable, and your body needed to let it go. This can happen at home without any medical intervention. However, you may need medical support if you are bleeding heavily or for a very prolonged period of time.
How To Care For Your Own Body And Heart After A Loss
- Go slow.
- Give yourself space to fall apart.
- Clear your schedule and say no to anything that does not feel supportive to you.
- Take it easy, and get lots of rest.
- Cry, or don’t.
- Talk to someone, or write it down. There is no one way to grieve. But you are not alone.
- Don’t worry about what anyone thinks about you.
- Do what feels good.
- Wear comfortable clothes.
- Soak in an epsom salt bath.
- Nourish your body with healing whole foods.
- Spend time in nature, especially in sunshine.
- Tidying and cleaning feels like self-care to me, so I spent time making my space feel good, and you might too. Or, ask a friend to come help.
- Spend time alone, but also remember that people like to help. Share it with people so they can check in on you.
- Remember, you are not broken and you didn’t do anything wrong.
- Do what’s easy. Only do what’s necessary. If that means giving up on all your homemaking endeavors for a week or a month, do that. Buy bread from the store. Eat packaged snacks. Just don’t worry about anything that makes your life harder. Only do it if you love it.
- Seek professional support if you feel you need it. A counselor, midwife or doula can offer support after a miscarriage.
Honoring The Baby You Lost
If it’s possible to collect any of the blood, placenta, clots, or even the tiny precious baby, you may choose to have a small ceremony for it and bury it in a special place.
With my first miscarriage, I put a bowl in the toilet, and when I felt the contents of my uterus needing to expel, I just sat there and caught everything. There was no baby to be seen in the sac, which leads me to believe it was a blighted ovum, and definitely not a viable pregnancy.
I still wrapped it in paper, and put it in a well labeled plastic bag in my freezer.
Later, when I felt up for it, I dug a hole in my garden and planted some stargazer lily bulbs on top of it.
I also have a small bag of mementos from that time.
You might want to name your baby.
It might be meaningful for you to keep a small token as a remembrance of this pregnancy and these dreams of another baby at this time.
- The positive pregnancy test
- And ultrasound photo
- A small outfit
- A blanket
- A book
- A memento of your baby’s name
Honestly, this second time around, I let it all go. I didn’t keep a drop of blood to bury. That’s just what felt right – mostly because I was just so annoyed, and I just happened to have a feverish toddler to care for at the same time, which came with its own distracting challenges. I’ll probably still plant something in my garden for this one and remember a name for them in my heart.
Meaningful ways to grieve and remember your lost baby
- Get a tattoo of your baby’s birth month flower
- Plant your baby’s birth month flower in your garden
- Write a poem or a song about your experience
- Wear a piece of jewelry to remember them
How To Move Forward After Having A Miscarriage
- Try to love your body – it really is taking care of you.
- Pay attention to what you’re drawn to in this season – sewing became an important contemplative way for me to spend my time this second time around. It’s ok to shift your energy around to do more of what you’re drawn to.
- It’s a distilling process – you don’t owe anything to someone who doesn’t respect you in your grief.
- Surround yourself with people who will walk through this with you, without judgement or unsolicited advice.
- Ask for help with errands so you can avoid unwanted questions for conversation until you feel stronger.
- Welcome the new person you are becoming. Try to appreciate what you’re learning through this experience, who you’re connecting to, and who you can be a beacon to when others go through it after you.
- If you already have children, their presence can be a source of great joy and comfort. If you don’t, I’m so sorry. You are not alone.
You Are Not Alone
If you’ve had a miscarriage, you are not alone.
If someone you love has gone through one, I hope this helps you understand how deeply it affects them.
No two stories are the same, but every one of them deserves gentleness, compassion, and space to grieve.
Please feel free to share your story here.
Such good advice! It still brings a tear to my eye 21 years later, even though I don’t think about the babies every day anymore.
Another thing I did to remember them– I made 2 white star Christmas ornaments attached to each other (they are twins). I may be the only one who thinks of them at Christmas, but that ornament sort of marks their place in our family. Without looking too odd or sad or provoking questions from our other kids when they were little. They know now. I guess if I knew the genders I might have picked a color.
Thank you! That’s such a good idea and it reminded me that I have a Christmas ornament for my first as well. You just never forget.